Hot Male Yoga is Neither Hot nor Yoga. Discuss.

I have never seen so many packages. Not even at the UPS Store.

First, this video opens with vague phallic symbols, which progress into total, outright, phallic symbols.

I honestly thought it wouldn't be this bad. I thought, OK, maybe there'd be some shots of guys in a g-string, at worst. But at least, it'd be an instructive yoga video. I'm 28 years old, and I'm still naive. So naive.

All cards on the table? I didn't do yoga along with this one. How could I?

The video began with three oiled up men in white g-strings lying close to each other, with their packages clearly visible under their tiny-whities. Never mind that they were lying on some dark-blue velvet blanket, they were on the top of a hill, which sloped downwards. I kept thinking, "They're going into down dog, and then toppling down the hill into some cacti." Then it got worse.

Biggest problems with Hot Male Yoga? The yogis aren't good at yoga. Their rippled, oiled muscles prevent them from doing the poses correctly. Their positioning struck me as the kind of yoga I do after a nine hour flight to Europe--slow, eyes closed, jerking, and lacking in flexibility. Except, for me, there'd be no cameras checking back on my pelvis every two minutes.

Most shocking about this video? That there was a "casting director" whose only job, I'm guessing, was to hit up a couple gay bars and ask struggling gay actors if they like yoga. "Would you like to do yoga with a couple hot guys, on hotter rocks in the desert outside LA? Yes! Great! You've been cast! Here's your g-string!"

The background music was creepy, and so was the female voice who narrated this stilted, poorly done "work out" video. She reminded me of Janeane Garofalo's voice, but in a creepy-nice sort of way.

This video gets a Vidercise 1 out of 5 stars. This video isn't even suggested for gay men. You will neither get excited, nor buff from watching this video, so don't even bother.

As for me, I'm going to go watch some straight guys on Entourage now.

It was just another night at the video store...

Until I discovered a world of quirky exercise videos.

Who knew there was everything from the Thug Workout, to Christoga (Christian-ized Yoga)? Or the hilarious-looking Texercise, which features cow roping along with aerobics? I was fascinated by the range of videos--this wasn't your run-of-the-mill Tae-Bo kind of workouts. I wondered, what would it be like to do all of these?

I needed to get back in shape anyway, and like many in this economy, I wasn't keen on spending $70 a month for a good gym. And though I live in an active area, I get bored with the same routines. I figured that if I blogged about this little experiment, I could hold myself accountable, sharing my results with you.

So, today, the experiment starts. I'll give my play-by-play of each of these. I've rented a few to get started. They are:

• Carmen Electra's Striptease Workout DVD, #1. So far, my boyfriend has enjoyed this more than me.
  
• Thug Workout--Fitness from the Streets. Do I have to get tats and work out at a jail yard to do this one? Seems likely.
• Hot Male Yoga, Basic Training with a Sizzle How do you not rent this one? It features sinewy men in blue g-strings on the cover!
• Shiva Rea Yoga Trance Dance Makes me think I'll be joining the Whirling Dervishes. Whee!

This is going to be fun.