Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hot Male Yoga is Neither Hot nor Yoga. Discuss.

I have never seen so many packages. Not even at the UPS Store.

First, this video opens with vague phallic symbols, which progress into total, outright, phallic symbols.

I honestly thought it wouldn't be this bad. I thought, OK, maybe there'd be some shots of guys in a g-string, at worst. But at least, it'd be an instructive yoga video. I'm 28 years old, and I'm still naive. So naive.

All cards on the table? I didn't do yoga along with this one. How could I?

The video began with three oiled up men in white g-strings lying close to each other, with their packages clearly visible under their tiny-whities. Never mind that they were lying on some dark-blue velvet blanket, they were on the top of a hill, which sloped downwards. I kept thinking, "They're going into down dog, and then toppling down the hill into some cacti." Then it got worse.

Biggest problems with Hot Male Yoga? The yogis aren't good at yoga. Their rippled, oiled muscles prevent them from doing the poses correctly. Their positioning struck me as the kind of yoga I do after a nine hour flight to Europe--slow, eyes closed, jerking, and lacking in flexibility. Except, for me, there'd be no cameras checking back on my pelvis every two minutes.

Most shocking about this video? That there was a "casting director" whose only job, I'm guessing, was to hit up a couple gay bars and ask struggling gay actors if they like yoga. "Would you like to do yoga with a couple hot guys, on hotter rocks in the desert outside LA? Yes! Great! You've been cast! Here's your g-string!"

The background music was creepy, and so was the female voice who narrated this stilted, poorly done "work out" video. She reminded me of Janeane Garofalo's voice, but in a creepy-nice sort of way.

This video gets a Vidercise 1 out of 5 stars. This video isn't even suggested for gay men. You will neither get excited, nor buff from watching this video, so don't even bother.

As for me, I'm going to go watch some straight guys on Entourage now.

Carmen Electra is My Homegirl

To the back, around, stick your booty out! Yay!

"Should I shave before doing this workout video?"

That's the question running through my head as I put on my gym shorts and ready myself for
Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease.

Carmen, ever bubbly and wide eyed flirts with me (possibly my boyfriend who's watching all of this?) via the TV. Her voice is breathy, and we haven't even begun the workout. I begin to feel woefully unsexy as she takes me through the begining warm up. Damn it. I should have shaved, and put on at least some eyeliner for this.

As the movements progress simply from warming up with some traditional dance moves to slow practices of stripper moves, I realize the difference between the Carmen, her back up girls, and me: they have no inner-thigh jiggle. None. My curvy, female-Roman-statue-like body makes my hip jutting, body waving movements seem amateurish. Clearly, this stuff is going to require more practice and calorie-burning.

I feel some stretching and toning through my abs, glutes, and thighs as the video progresses. I learn how to go from a prone position (stomach up, butt on the floor) to sexily standing up in three movements. This move may have some real-world use if I remove the ass-waving part from the routine.

There's something oddly satisfying about learning these moves, though. Carmen makes them pretty easy and by the end, I feel like I'm ready to move on to another round of strip aerobics. Unfortunately, the DVD is a bit of a tease.

One warm up and one work out are on the DVD, along with a overly serious "interview" portion of the DVD (this is strip aerobics, people, not physical therapy for the aged!). By the time it was all over, I was flipping through the DVD for more features---guess I'll have to rent the next one to progress, but that's how workout DVD series are supposed to get you, right? "Buy the next one and be even sexier!! Yay!!"

Well, surprise, bitches, I'm renting these DVD's a Scarecrow for the whole week! And two for one on Wednesdays! There won't be any buying here, so tease away!

On the Vidercise scale of 1 to 5, I give this DVD a 3. The workout was fun, kept my mind occupied, and I learned a *ahem* skill --stripping-- while working out. While it was incredibly simple, I still felt the burn.

It was just another night at the video store...

Until I discovered a world of quirky exercise videos.

Who knew there was everything from the Thug Workout, to Christoga (Christian-ized Yoga)? Or the hilarious-looking Texercise, which features cow roping along with aerobics? I was fascinated by the range of videos--this wasn't your run-of-the-mill Tae-Bo kind of workouts. I wondered, what would it be like to do all of these?

I needed to get back in shape anyway, and like many in this economy, I wasn't keen on spending $70 a month for a good gym. And though I live in an active area,
LinkI get bored with the same routines. I figured that if I blogged about this little experiment, I could hold myself accountable, sharing my results with you.

So, today, the experiment starts. I'll give my play-by-play of each of these. I've rented a few to get started. They are:

This is going to be fun.